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Glassy-Eyed from Classifieds?

Want to fly with us?

You will need to possess:

B.A. in English.
Knowledge of at least one other Asian language.
Capable of serving food in a bumpy,
tube-shaped restaurant.
Experience in caring for children/
drunks/gropers/those suffering from vertigo.
Nursing, or psychiatric diploma an advantage.
Under 25 years.
Pleasant personality.
Stunning figure.
Desire to visit foreign airports, and smell aircraft fuel.
Willing to treat the co-drivers of the tubular eatery like gods.
Prepared to work flexible hours in highly flexible conditions.
Salary in line with aforementioned experience.
Free re-heated meals.
Free uniform.
Contact: buddyhollyairlines@trollydolly.com

Extreme? Perhaps, but not too far divorced from the outrageous demands made by employers seeking staff through the classified ads in today's newspapers.

The above advertisement can be summed up in two short quotes from Oscar Wilde:

"Education is an admirable thing, but nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."
"Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes."

I empathize with today's new graduates who are faced with prospective employers demanding university degrees, and experience in the relevant field; with the addendum - "not over 25 years of age."

Scan the ads; see for yourself. You will quickly note those employers who choose to save money by refusing the services of a professional copy writer.

  • A Thai language school is currently carrying:

    Our professtional (sloppy spelling) teacher (singular) conduct (s) classes in our training center or in (on or at) your premises.

    One can only hope their command of Thai is superior!
  • One national publication, presumably with its own advertising department, has advertised for a photographer:
    • Among the qualifications desired, is a "willingness to work as a team." Do they require a person suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder?
    • "Ability to use the digital camera and image enhancing programmers."
    • Does this august publication posses only one digital camera? Are they asking for the ability to use image enhancing programmes, or to make use of other technicians within their photographic department?
  • A kindergarten has advertised for "Native Speaker". Is this linguistic regression? I am, of course, being facetious. The ad goes on to qualify that odd heading by explaining that the school needs:
    • Native speakers of English - backpackers?
    • Native speakers of Australian - - - D'ya mean Strine, mate?
    • Native speakers of Canadian - - - - Sounds like the job for me, eh?
    • Native speakers of American - - - - White man speak with forked tongue!
  • Wanted: certifiable used car salesman. Most of them are, but perhaps you meant certified?
  • Three year old teacher wanted for kindergarten. Experience preferred.

We are, of course, simply having fun here. That does not, however, detract from the very real problems facing first-time job seekers in this, or any other country.

Waiting in some outer office, degree in hand, and heart pounding, you are right in wondering what these people are actually looking for in a prospective employee.

The Director General of the Confederation of British Industry (the employers' organisation) makes the following observation:

"A degree alone is not enough. Employers are looking for more than just technical skills, and knowledge of a degree discipline. They particularly value skills such as communication, team working and problem solving. Job applicants who can demonstrate that they have developed these skills will have a real advantage."

In essence, what he is advising is for students to get involved in either voluntary work, or work experience programmes prior to graduation.

But returning to the funny side of classified advertising; I am awaiting something akin to the following:

General Manager wanted for
relief work in central Bangkok

Candidates should hold BSc, or preferably a
doctorate in relief studies.
Be self starters, capable of opening many doors.
Have at least ten years experience in
overseeing relief operations.
Be capable of producing the right paperwork for each client.
Not afraid to get your feet wet.
We are not, due to the nature of the position,
equal opportunity employers.
Salary and benefits will be commensurate
with qualifications and experience.
Apply today, and become flushed
with success tomorrow.
Be a Men's Public Toilet Attendant.

Watch this space!

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