Confessions of a Thai TV Addict

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Confessions of a
Thai TV Addict

JUST HOW BAD is Thai TV ? To the uninitiated, brainless, horrendous, and seething mass of drivel are descriptions that most likely spring to mind. But for this die hard fan, a day spent viewing the soap operas, game shows, and comedy programs of Muang (means -- city, province, country and nation) Thai have placed me directly on the eightfold path to Nirvana - and I don't even have to learn Pali! It is for you, dear reader, that I have decided to share the virtues I have learned from my television gods. You will need:

a television
a remote control
TV food (shrimp chips, pizza sticks, dried peas, etc.)

All set? Pay the proper respects to your television for a clear picture and get ready to attain virtue!

I. The Virtue of Patience.

One may have noticed the remarkable ability of the Thai to weather many storms; rotten government, blatant corruption, and Tata Young's pants to name a few. Yet how is this tolerance maintained in the young and old? Look no farther than that amazing little screen before you! Thai script writers have brought the environmentally conscious formula of recycling to TV Land. While other countries are concerned about how to be "new" and "different," Thai TV strives to use the same story over and over again. Not only can viewers guess the outcome, but each "chapter" is stretched out with torturous shots of actors and actresses staring out into space. The women cry, the men are suave, the katooeys are loud and everyone eventually gets into an accident and ends up in the hospital for a dramatic bedside scene.

Then they all change outfits and start again. The viewer will soon discover there's no need to understand what they're saying. One can just imagine that they're all talking about food. Music and be recognized from Western movies, and there are more commercials than spelling errors on an English-Thai menu. Sound nuts? It is. But don't give up! Use the remote wisely and hack through this forest of resistance, Watch, switch, watch, switch. One will soon find a patience he or she has never known before. At this stage, it's best to keep a bib and dribble cup at one's side.

II. The Virtue of Forgiveness.

Don't you just hate it when actors and actresses are hired on the basis of looks alone? Doesn't it just boil your blood when these handsome and beautiful stars prove to be so popular, that they keep reappearing in other TV shows and commercials? And aren't you about to spit teeth watching them go on to a.) host a game show, b.) win lots of money on a game show, c.) study abroad? It almost makes one wonder if Thai TV isn't just a get rich quick scheme for the select few. Whatever opinion one has of these television dullards, one can't help but admire the way they hold the advertisement at waist level and clearly state the name of the product before revealing the prize behind it. Thus, faithful viewers, we must part the red curtain of our anger, swallow their egos, and forgive their selfishness. For perhaps one day, they'll express the desire to share their knowledge and wealth with the common people of Thailand. Either that or they'll put out another hit record to cover the cost of their next ski trip.

III. The Virtue of Understanding.

"O Enlightened one," I hear you say, "how can this wretched little box help me understand anything?" Take a lesson from TV; start small. Learn about the little matters of life, such as "Piano music means it's time to cry, "and save those bigger issues for the next blackout." As the channel two jingle puts it, "All the time, every minute, watch TV, channel two." I, for example, now know that every maid I employ is secretly a princess. I know that drinking will turn me into a violent, unintelligible, and unshaven man. I know that giant industries that cut down forests can be trusted because they have such funny commercials. I know that the old Thai way of life was a paradise for everyone and modern times would be too, if everyone would just... umm... If everyone would just... Change outfits and start again!

Remember O Glassy eyed believer; the next time you're homesick for some familiar TV faces, Thai television holds many, but not all answers to life's mysteries. We may never understand the international appeal of Hotel California, but after a few hundred hours of Thai style comedy and drama, you'll never be the same. But there's no need to keep reading! Get yourself in front of that box! All the time, every minute. And don't forget to say Oho! when your favorite game show contestant doesn't pick the product you've been rooting for.

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